Andrea is trying to make it better, but the angry energy is returning again. It's a foreign feeling of anger which is coming from someplace else. Andrea doesn't want this person on her profile and we have been going through the entire list. We want everybody off who is hurtful on a psychic consciousness. Today Andrea is having the pain again and she really doesn't want it to go on. Her body is being flooded with a foreign anger and this has been going on for quite some time.
'I really want it to be that she's angry.'
Andrea wants to enjoy her life. This isn't a time to be hateful. Monica doesn't understand how much of a problem she is. You want it to be that you can look at her Facebook and gossip with all of your friends. You don't understand how stupid you are and everything you are getting in the way of. Andrea would really like a healthy lifestyle and she's not really interested in getting to know you. These things are going to go on now. This doesn't need to be this way. Andrea has found that you have helped her define a few of her goals. She doesn't want to be part of this group and she wants you to stop thinking about her.
'I want it to be that it's a bad person. I want it to be that she's not very good. I want to make sure that I can completely destroy her. I want to! I want to!'
This is beginning to get annoying once again. You want it to be that Andrea hates herself and Andrea doesn't know why she has to feel this pain. There is nothing to really say to any of you and today is a different day. Today is a different day and it will be over very soon. Some thing will forever be remembered and these people want to hold Andrea to things from the past. They want to use past feelings to say she's obsessed and this is very hurtful for somebody with a massively overweight mother. Andrea doesn't really want to have this weigh her whole life down. She doesn't really want to be judged by her mother's weight and she doesn't want to have you hold her back as well. It's okay to just move on and this was a big, bad time. It was supposed to be something a little bit different and it won't be that at all. Andrea doesn't want to be judged by her mother's weight and she wants to be able to have her own life. She doesn't want to keep hurting her mother by talking about how she doesn't want to be a fat woman. And this is going to upset her mother and her mother is going to think she's shallow because she doesn't want to be fat. That's kind of how it is and she doesn't need you to crap all over her life.
'I want it to be this way.'
Andrea felt very good about herself as she began to live her life. She did really see what had happened as something that was coming. Nobody thinks their boyfriend is going to start being threatening. There would be a big problem with that. A lot of people can't deal with the idea of domestic violence. Some people might get very afraid if their boyfriend threatened.
'I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry.'
These things shouldn't really ruin a person's life. Dumping Alvaro was supposed to make life better. It was supposed to be the beginning of a happy time. Andrea really wanted to move on and have a family. She didn't really understand what was going on with her nervous system. She didn't think she'd have to go back to Brockville and deal with her mom having bowel cancer. She thought she had more of a chance of having a family because she didn't have a weight problem. It's difficult to deal with all of you sabotaging the remainder of her life. Labeling her and making her feel like less of a human being. Andrea will not want to be friends with you. You want to think you were helpful, but now she is going to be looking for real help. You want to think you were helpful to everybody. You weren't very nice and that's what happened.
'I want to really hurt her.'
The fucked up thing is that Andrea can't get past you. There is so much energy inside her body that she can't take it and she's trying to type faster to get it out. She doesn't want the hurt resting on her heart. She doesn't want to start screaming and alarm the neighbors again. She feels a big ball of anger in her chest. Like somebody she knows is angry at her. She has been crying a little bit because on her heart really hurts. Andrea is upset because all of her life has been ruined by this. Selfish people with anger. Alvaro would be one of them. There is no way to deal with feeling other people's emotions. Andrea doesn't understand why there is so much anger directed at her. Not really understanding why Alvaro would be angry. There wasn't much to really be angry about. There was only a problem with Andrea's nerves which made it hard for her to pursue a full-time job. It's not easy if you feel like you are picking up on everybody's emotions and the workplace wasn't very healthy.
'I want it to be that it's funny when I'm rude to her.'
It's really difficult for her to manage all of the anger that is coming through her body. There are a lot of people who would think it is repressed anger. We are going to talk about that quite a lot today and why it is upsetting. Andrea feels foreign anger in her chest which is not related to anything that is occurring. This feels like a psychic perception and it is very overwhelming. Andrea doesn't know how to get rid of this energy. This profile was one way to try. These things are not very helpful and people sometimes hate people for no reason. Sometimes you might hate a person for a reason that's not really very profound. You might hate somebody because their voice is irritating to you. You might hate somebody because they look a little bit unattractive to you. You might hate the way they carry their body. You might take a couple of personality flaws and blow them out of proportion. This isn't really a good way to operate and hate probably isn't a good way to describe a feeling.
'I want it to be that you're the hateful human being.'
This was tossed at Andrea a lot when she broke up with her boyfriend. She was labeled as a hateful person. This is what they did to smear her. It was because she became a Satanist and this she did because she'd always been a nice girl. She felt like people had walked allover and she needed some way to cope with that. She wanted to feel that she was powerful. She wanted to feel that she had saved herself and it was a very upsetting time. It still is very upsetting and people aren't very sympathetic.
'I want it to be that women don't need to be strong.'
You will never understand why she is saying these things. People who were bullied as children might need to feel that people will stay away from them. This is a bit of a pattern. Andrea didn't have any malicious intentions. She feels pretty crappy about the whole thing. She really thought he might have been a soul mate and that it was a true love thing. Instead people exposed her psychiatric problems and labeled her a stalker. She had had the divination about taking up writing to meet her future husband and she thought she was going to be composing a romantic. She thought this would be something they could have forever. Something that they could remember in many years. She wanted to pursue it in an honest manner and she thought it was going to be a very nice thing. She didn't how horrible felt about her. She can see the way that Monica and all those people dress. She knows she doesn't have a cute little haircut and she knows she's not as pretty as most of those girls. Now she would like to move on with her life and have a bit of time for herself. She wants you to leave her alone and let her rest.
'I don't want to admit that I've ruined your life.'
When you're bullied as a child you blame yourself. You think you've been a weak little kid. That your shyness is why you got beat up. You want to make sure it never, ever happens again. You want to make sure each threat is taken very seriously. Anything to not look weak. Anything to not look weak. Anything to look strong. Anything to just look strong. Stop bothering me right now. Stop bothering me and go away.
'I want you to die.'
You will kill yourself. This is the end. There are people who hate Andrea and it will fuck her up. Let her go and let her go.
'I really want to be able to hurt her.'
This is upsetting and Andrea is drifting over into violent ideas and upsettingly thinking about murder victims. How horrible it would be to go through that. How negative these sorts of things are. Serial killers are the most extreme form of violence for absolutely no reason. Not much of a very logical reason. They don't really need to kill a person. These people don't need to hurt other people. Yet, they still want to make other people feel bad. It can't just be left as a rejection and I understand what it would be like to have somebody you dislike talking to your brother.
'I wanted to be able to hurt her.'
You really hurt people because you're selfish. You really don't want to imagine how hateful you are. You don't want to understand how stupid this was. You don't want to understand how many nerves you stepped on.
'I really want it to be that you hate yourself.'
So does Andrea's mother. Depression is easier to take than a smile from Andrea's mother. This isn't a parent who is ever congratulating her for a good thing. Her mother doesn't really take too much interest and it is a bit of a downer. It's hard to figure out a way to get over the emotional issues a parent can cause. There is no escape and you can't exactly just grow a new family. There has to be a way to cope with how much pain causes. There has to be a way to deal with your mother insulting you most of the time when you call. This is one of those stress things that builds up. This is a very depressing thing when you have a parent who wants to hurt your feelings every time you talk to them. A parent who doesn't want to admit that you need to live your own life. This would be a very difficult parent to have. It's also difficult when the world is also cold. Lots of people might seem like very nice people.
'I want it to be that my family is important to me.'
Sometimes it is a very painful life and the only friends we can make are people who don't have our best interests at heart. Andrea is thinking that if she pursues holistic things she might have a bit of a better chance of meeting nice people. You have to admit that people who worship a God like Krishna are probably going to be nicer people. If people don't like the idea of slaughtering cows they are going to be nicer. It might go against Thelema in some ways, but they believe in things like humility and kindness. They believe in not giving into your desires and this makes them easier to spend time around. These people aren't always looking for sex, but are trying to control their passions. These people are easier to take than most people in other communities. Andrea is trying to shift her life over to people like that and she's not interested in being friends with people in that crowd.
'I want it to be that we could be friends. I want it to be that you really like us and you can't hang out with us because you are not good enough.'
Andrea doesn't really like this idea. Andrea really dislikes being stuck with these people in her consciousness and is trying to shift her activities over to something else. She doesn't want people around to reinforce the idea that she loves Andrew. She is willing to look like a shit for him. Andrew would not be a healthy boyfriend and lots of pretty girls would enjoy dating him.
'I really want it to be that you need to be shat on.'
Andrea really didn't understand how shallow he might have been. She was caught up on this idea of it being something for real and she wanted to believe it. She wanted to believe that these little intuitions were correct and it didn't help her very much. But, there must be some reason for it to persist. Andrea really wants to find a way to move on with her life.
'I want it to be that she hates herself.'
She really is trying her best. She's determined that she can do something besides telemarketing and she's begun to build up some skills which don't involve sales. You don't really take the idea and just leave her alone with her life. You don't want it to be that she'll move on. You want it to be some fucked up girl who you needed to treat badly for a good reason.
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